Boxed Turtle

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 14, 2005: Ron just wanted to pour coffee into a canister. What he found in the package of freeze-dried coffee left him shell-shocked. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron found a dead baby turtle in the 2-pound package of Folgers coffee on Sunday. "I thought it was a toy at first," said Ron. "Then I looked again..." Ron said he had been making coffee from the same package for a month before he made the discovery. "It's a responsibility of the goddamn company to check their shipments closer," he said. "It could've been much...

Deer Pong

Lake George, New York, November 8, 2005: It looked like a crime scene, but no charges will be filed after Ron killed a buck with his bare hands in his running mate's bedroom. The engagement lasted an exhausting 40 minutes, but Ron finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at a rented cabin Monday. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay on the bedroom floor, its neck broken. Ron, Brad, and other Ronatarian Party officials were spending some time at a retreat to plan their political futures. They had...

Bite the Bullet

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 2, 2005: Was the pig a victim of a drive-by shooting? That's one theory to explain how a bullet wound up in Ronatarian Party official Brad's pork loin casserole. He said there was no mistaking the projectile's distinct shape in the pork loin he bought at an ACME grocery store. Brad is a vocal fan of all pork products. All meat is scanned with a metal detector before reaching ACME shelves, said Dwayne Stewart, spokesman for the company in New Jersey. It's not clear how the scanners missed the bullet -- or how the...

Carjacking

Newark, New Jersey, October 26, 2005: A would-be carjacker got a different kind of jolt from his intended victim's morning cup of coffee, authorities said in a statement. The suspect tapped the car window Tuesday morning with a gun and motioned the driver -- identified as local politician Ron -- to get out. But Ron -- who had just bought a cup of hot coffee -- slammed the car door into the carjacker's legs, threw the coffee at his neck and face and wrestled him to the ground, Newark Police spokesman Roy Hughes said. "He picked the wrong guy...