Ron Congratulates New President Elect

Wednesday - December 13, 2000 In a speech following Gore's which only aired in some obscure provinces in Canada, Ron spoke to the American people. "F you Bush, and F you Dick. I'll offer my congratulations in hell! Next time, we're not going to let you rig the ballots against me. "I strongly urge the American people to TP the White House and to moon any limousines you might spot around the DC area. "Over the next four years, you will see America continue to crumble. The same old drab national anthem will continue to bore you, criminals will...

The Electoral Process

Washington, D.C.: November 21, 2000 Once again Election Day has come and gone and the American people have exercised their opportunity to express their political views...we assume. In what has become a time-honored part of the process, politicians, pundits, village idiots, and schoolteachers will marvel at the wisdom of the framers of our Constitution, the men who created the system that allows the voice of the people to be heard. But this year, we are left to wonder how the system really works. The U.S. Constitution, the document that lays out the basic rules for our political structure, was...

Sweet Revenge Part Deux

November 21, 2000 When Nader reached for his speech the other night, he was pleasantly surprised to find it had been swapped with an issue of Swank. Once again, industrial strength adhesives make for some of the best pranks. Pat Buchanon was the lucky recipient of a surprise boyscout meeting at his house on the way out of the shower....

Sweet Revenge

November 20, 2000 Ron may not have won the election, but he's not going down without a fight.  We're not saying that Ron had anything to do with this. George was out hailing a limo when to his dismay, he was doused by this giant water balloon. Ever play with 2-part epoxy? Each component by itself is perfectly harmless, but when combined, it causes a permanent bond. Let's just say that somebody got into Gore and Tipper's chapstick and polydent. Tee hee hee....

Sacred Rite

Jersey City, NJ: November 13, 2000 In his sermon a week ago, the Reverend Horton Heath said a few words about the upcoming election then tossed in this line: "Thank goodness," he told his congregants, "it'll all be over Tuesday night." On Sunday, the pastor of the Lafayette Reformed Baptist Church of Scientology and Astrology in Jersey City, New Jersey, had to admit his all-but-certain prediction didn't come to pass, and he has a pretty good idea why. "Just when you think you know something, Ron has a way of bringing you back to reality," he said. Presidential candidate...