Haggis Smuggling

Edinburgh, Scotland, January 11, 2001: Expatriate Scots from the U.S. to Australia are being forced into the shadowy world of international haggis smuggling to ensure the real McCoy arrives at the dinner table for the traditional Burns Night Supper. The January 25 knees-up in honor of Scotland's best-loved bard, Robert "Rabbie" Burns, is celebrated across the globe by the millions who trace their roots back to the ancient Highland nation. But the real centerpiece of the whisky-fuelled supper -- the haggis, lauded in Burns' earthy address to the "great chieftain o' the puddin' race" -- is often left out...

Ronline Chat With Chilean President

Santiago, Chile, January 3, 2001: Chilean President Ricardo Lagos admitted on Wednesday that he was not popular with girls in his adolescence, a confession he made during an Internet chat session aimed at bringing the government and citizens closer. The chat was mirrored in the United States by defeated presidential candidate Ron, who linked into the Chilean leader's session. "I went to parties, but the girls always looked at others," said Lagos, who also aims to spur Internet access for the nation's 15 million people. "Yeah...that sounds like my social life back then," scribbled Ron at a not-so-trendy San...

Ferret Racism

New York City, New York (December 19, 2000): A pet-loving former presidential candidate has vowed a full-fledged ferret fight after the New York City Board of Health voted yesterday to ban the weasel-like pets -- along with hippos, giraffes, and hundreds of other wild animals. Forty-eight states, including New York, currently allow ferret ownership. Former Ronatarian Party candidate Ron slammed the unanimous vote as "ignorant," and proposed a law to prevent the estimated thousands of ferret owners in the city from becoming instant criminals. "These commissioners are so appallingly ignorant of animals," Ron said on the sidewalk outside the...

Ron Congratulates New President Elect

Wednesday - December 13, 2000 In a speech following Gore's which only aired in some obscure provinces in Canada, Ron spoke to the American people. "F you Bush, and F you Dick. I'll offer my congratulations in hell! Next time, we're not going to let you rig the ballots against me. "I strongly urge the American people to TP the White House and to moon any limousines you might spot around the DC area. "Over the next four years, you will see America continue to crumble. The same old drab national anthem will continue to bore you, criminals will...