Chased By Martians

January 2, 2003: Marseille, France A man who raced through a motorway road block, triggering a high-speed police car chase that ended in a minor crash, has blamed aliens from Mars for his reckless driving. Under police custody in a hospital in the Mediterranean city of Marseille, the 30-something-year-old told police he was being "chased by Martians" when he charged through a road block on the A55 motorway Monday evening, police sources said. The man was later identified as the mysterious N8 by Interpol. He is assumed to be an American citizen, but is wanted in several countries for...

Is that a Monkey in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

San Diego, California: December 23, 2002 Customs officials opened his suitcase and a bird of paradise flew out but that was nothing compared to what they found in his pants -- a pair of pygmy monkeys. Mystery man N8 was arrested for trying to smuggle the monkeys, a total of four exotic birds, and 50 rare orchids across the Mexican border after a trip to Thailand, officials said on Thursday. Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Johns said N8 had been undergoing a routine border inspection until an official opened his engineering briefcase. "It became non-routine when they opened his baggage...

Naked N8

Mendocino, California: December 4, 2002 Debbie DeMarco was driving west on Naamans Road about 4:30 a.m. Tuesday when she said a blue Volkswagen Jetta roared past her with a naked man clinging to the roof. DeMarco, a paper carrier for The Mendocino Beacon, said the car was swerving from left to right across the median, sparks flying. The driver then crossed back over the median toward DeMarco before making a sharp turn onto northbound Route 1 near the Gas-N-Sip. "I'm looking, and there's a man hanging from the top of the car...naked!" said DeMarco, who called 911. "All this...

Cow Poetry

Northern New Jersey: December 2, 2002 Any artist can paint cows. Ron paints ON cows. Ron, the founder of the Ronatarian Party and its perpetual presidential candidate, painted single words (from "a" to "existential") on the flanks of about 60 cows near his Northern New Jersey home, then let them wander around to see if they could compose poetry. So Holsteins, Jerseys, and Guernseys named Elsie, Lukey, and Maggie came up with phrases like "eccentric art," "performance as cow environment," "organic conceptual art as poetry," and Ron's own favorite "I throw swill on positive feedback systems." One animal seemed...