Whack & Cheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 24, 2008 A recently unemployed man faced a domestic assault charge after he allegedly attacked his roommate on Saturday for making him macaroni for dinner. Investigator Dale Matuszczak said the victim called for help after locking himself in a bathroom. "He sounded awfully upset in there," said Matuszczak. "He also sounded like a little bitch...whining like a girl and crying hysterically." The two roommates in the investigation were identified as losing presidential ticket Ron and Brad (Ronatarian Party). Matuszczak said Brad had apparently been hit with a wet noodle, suffering a minor bruise on...

Concession

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 5, 2008: There is no goddamn way Ron is conceding this election to anyone...Obama, McCain, even that prick Bob Barr! The fight continues! Suck on that America! Ron 2012!...

Shocking Revelation

Chapel Hill, North Carolina, November 3, 2008: Libby Lee of Chapel Hill was tired of someone stealing Ron-Brad campaign signs from her yard. Lee, with a degree in electrical engineering from Lafayette College (Easton, Pa.), hooked up a third sign to a power source for an electric pet fence Friday and also put up a surveillance camera. The News & Observer of Raleigh reported that a 9-year-old boy with an McCain-Palin sign grabbed the Ron-Brad sign and got a jolt on Sunday. The boy's father, Andrew Noble, upset that his son had been shocked, showed up at Lee's door....

Kitty Caucus

Columbus, Ohio, November 2, 2008: To put it in a tasteful way, a vote in Ohio is determining which White House hopeful is the pick of the litter. The ballot boxes are cat litter boxes in the 2008 "Kitty Caucus" being conducted by the Capital Area Humane Society in Columbus and local radio station WBNS-FM, known as Mix 97.1. The presidential preferences of the animal shelter's feline residents are being determined by their "votes" dropped into a red box for Republican John McCain, a blue one for Democrat Barack Obama, and a green box for Ronatarian Ron. The radio...

Anger Management

Newark, New Jersey, October 29, 2008: A man on his way to anger management class became angry and struck a man, authorities said. Justin John Boudin, 27, pleaded guilty Tuesday to fifth-degree assault in Essex County Court and can expect to face a sentence for time served in jail, at least 120 days, and probation when he is sentenced November 5, the county attorney's office said. According to a criminal complaint, Boudin was waiting at a bus stop on August 29 when he accosted a man and others. "Why don't you show me some respect?" he allegedly yelled at...