Polly Want A Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey: October 9, 2003 A man claims a woman wrongly adopted his lost parrot -- and he can prove it if given a chance to question the bird in court. Henrietta, an 11-year-old African gray parrot, flew out of Ronatarian Party Headquarters on July 19 after a party guest who wasn't wearing her glasses accidentally walked into the screen door leading to the balcony. Ron keeps the bird at his political offices as a mascot for his loyal followers -- who often mimic his actions and words. On August 9, Pam Henry, of Newburg, Pennsylvania, adopted...
Posted by Webmaster at October 9, 2003

Star Spangled Junk

Cambridge, Massachusetts: September 15, 2003 A 2004 presidential candidate failed to win over his audience when he unzipped his pants on stage and exposed his penis -- painted red, white, and blue like the American flag. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was one of two performers battling for laughs (and votes) Friday night at a comedy club near Harvard University in Cambridge. As part of a September 11-themed contest, each contestant was asked to come up with an offensive sentence, describe Islam in 100 words or less, and pay a special tribute to America. Ron's "offensive sentence" enchanted the judges,...
Posted by Webmaster at September 15, 2003

Call The Fashion Police

Long Beach Island, New Jersey: September 4, 2003 A man's skimpy swimsuit was too much - or too little - for Taco Bell workers. Employees at Taco Bell called police Monday when the man walked into the restaurant wearing only a tiny black Speedo swimsuit and a cut-off T-shirt during the Labor Day weekend. LBI Police Chief Henry Lathon said his attire, or lack thereof, was a little too revealing. "He was inappropriately dressed for a restaurant," said Lathon. He said the man had left his clothes "down the shore." The man, identified as Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad,...
Posted by Webmaster at September 4, 2003

Hit And Ron I

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 3, 2003: Jogger and politico Ron never saw what hit him. It turns out he was blindsided by a whitetail deer. "I went out for a jog about 20 to 6 Wednesday morning, and I was jogging on Seeler Street when all of a sudden I was face-down on the pavement," he said. "A woman who saw it all said I was hit by a deer. I never saw it coming." Ron, representing the Ronatarian Party in the 2004 presidential election, was treated at St. Mary's Hospital for multiple injuries. "It hit me from...
Posted by Webmaster at September 3, 2003