The Hair Of The Dog That Bit Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey: October 20, 2003 This dog was having a bad fur day. The dog, whose coat caught fire when a neighbor's vehicle backfired, ignited a grass fire just off NJ Rt. 13. Firefighters doused the grass fire and reported the dog was unhurt, only smelling of burnt hair. "I have been in firefighting for many years, but I have never seen anything like this happen," Jersey City Fire Chief Gary Gilmore said. It happened Saturday when a motorist, identified later as local political wanna-be Ron, ran out of gas just blocks from his Ronatarian Party headquarters....

Polly Want A Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey: October 9, 2003 A man claims a woman wrongly adopted his lost parrot -- and he can prove it if given a chance to question the bird in court. Henrietta, an 11-year-old African gray parrot, flew out of Ronatarian Party Headquarters on July 19 after a party guest who wasn't wearing her glasses accidentally walked into the screen door leading to the balcony. Ron keeps the bird at his political offices as a mascot for his loyal followers -- who often mimic his actions and words. On August 9, Pam Henry, of Newburg, Pennsylvania, adopted...

Star Spangled Junk

Cambridge, Massachusetts: September 15, 2003 A 2004 presidential candidate failed to win over his audience when he unzipped his pants on stage and exposed his penis -- painted red, white, and blue like the American flag. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was one of two performers battling for laughs (and votes) Friday night at a comedy club near Harvard University in Cambridge. As part of a September 11-themed contest, each contestant was asked to come up with an offensive sentence, describe Islam in 100 words or less, and pay a special tribute to America. Ron's "offensive sentence" enchanted the judges,...

Call The Fashion Police

Long Beach Island, New Jersey: September 4, 2003 A man's skimpy swimsuit was too much - or too little - for Taco Bell workers. Employees at Taco Bell called police Monday when the man walked into the restaurant wearing only a tiny black Speedo swimsuit and a cut-off T-shirt during the Labor Day weekend. LBI Police Chief Henry Lathon said his attire, or lack thereof, was a little too revealing. "He was inappropriately dressed for a restaurant," said Lathon. He said the man had left his clothes "down the shore." The man, identified as Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad,...