Potty Fire!

Blacksville, West Virginia, July 19, 2004: Warning: open flames in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Sunday after a man who was inside it lit a match. Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. Medical records indicate that the man is none other than Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not "take too kindly" to the open flame, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services. "Neither...

Riding That Bus

Amarillo, Texas, July 16, 2004: An Ohio man rushed to the front of a Greyhound bus going about 70 mph, yanked on the steering wheel then battled the driver for control because he thought fringe presidential candidate Ron was onboard and in danger of being hijacked, according to court records. The driver asked for help, and a male passenger detained the man so the driver could call 911, according to the FBI affidavit. Bryan Luther Thomas, 48, of Columbus, Ohio, was arrested July 13 after the Albuquerque-to-Amarillo bus pulled over near Amarillo on Interstate 40. He was charged in...

Airport Security

Newark, New Jersey, July 14, 2004: Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron didn't make it through airport security because he couldn't keep his pants on. Airport police said a security screener was waving a metal-detecting wand over Ron's pants area on Tuesday when Ron pulled his shorts down to his ankles. He wasn't wearing any underwear. Ron then said, "There, how do you like your [expletive] job now," thus ending the screening, according to the police report. He was initially charged with indecent exposure, but later released on his own recognizance with all charges dropped. "You can thank celebrity for...

Shrooms

Waterbury, Connecticut, July 12, 2004: An enigmatic man ate a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms and drove around in a pair of stolen cars before arriving, confused, on a mountain in northwest Connecticut police said. The mysterious N8 hiked to a nearby home Saturday night and asked to call 911, police said. "I think I stole a car," N8 told a dispatcher. "I'm not sure." Police said N8 confessed that eating an entire bag of mushrooms, "probably wasn't a good idea." He allegedly told investigators that he had no idea how many laws he broke during a three-day excursion that...