Cow Kissing

Morgantown, West Virginia: July 8, 2003 A radical political party cashed in on a cow kissing contest this weekend. The Ronatarian Party assigned milk jugs to several members of this rural community. Party members and locals placed money in jugs of the person they most wanted to kiss a bovine, and the one with the most money in his jug won. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad took the honors and puckered up Friday to smooch Sissy, a 3-year-old Hereford cow. "They called and asked if I would like to kiss a cow," Brad said. "It's a fun way for...

The Munchies

Des Moines, Iowa: July 7, 2003 A woman bought a bag of potato chips at a convenience store but discovered more than munchies in the bag. Lois Campbell, 42, of Des Moines, opened the small sack of Uncle Ron's garlic-flavored chips Saturday and found another bag inside. "We were eating a few of the chips, and I was about to give some to a 3-year-old child," Campbell said. "I thought it was a little bag of seasoning inside. When I saw what it was, I called the police." A police report said the contents of the heat-sealed bag smelled...

King Of Poop

Los Angeles, California: June 30, 2003 Ronatarian Party leader/founder Ron stood up and made fun of pop musician Michael Jackson by dangling a baby doll over a hotel balcony. Ron also wore a surgical mask over his face Tuesday in an obvious swipe at Jackson, who dangled his baby, Prince Michael II, over a balcony railing in Berlin in November. Ron, who was staying at a Super 8 Motel in L.A., went further than Jackson by tossing the doll into the air and catching it with his teeth. "Ronpersonator," said a headline in the National Enquirer tabloid, which published...

UriN8ing Beetles

New Brunswick, New Jersey: June 25, 2003 A 30-something-year-old man has begun producing winged beetles in his urine after hatching the eggs in his body, a senior State of New Jersey medical official said Monday. Doctor Saul Rosenberg, Medical Director of Middlesex County where the man is currently residing, said doctors found the beetles while examining him for pain in the groin area. Through hospital sources, the name of the patient was revealed to be none other than world mystery man N8. "Doctors were really surprised to see the beetles," he told the media. "There are eggs of the...