Get Me To The Church On Time

Sunset Hills, Missouri: January 5, 2004 A man who disrupted services at a suburban St. Louis church Sunday after claiming he was Jesus later drove a car into the building's lobby doors, witnesses and police said. No one was injured. Life Christian Center pastor Rick Shelton told St. Louis' KSDK-TV that a man walked into the church during the morning service and claimed he was Jesus before being led out by ushers. The man was later identified as certified looney N8. As ushers waited for police, Shelton said, the man got into his car and drove into the church's...

Hocking A Loogie

Clarion, Pennsylvania: December 30, 2003 A former fast food chef will spend 90 days in jail for fixing a politician's hamburger with one too many ingredients - spittle. Joseph Arbuckle, 18, of Hawthorn, admitted fouling a burger ordered by Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron, when Arbuckle worked at the Burger King in Clarion in November. Ron discovered that Arbuckle had spit on the burger when he tried to remove the pickles from the sandwich. Ron is a well-known pickle-hater. A sample of the saliva from the burger was then tested against a sample taken from Arbuckle, who pleaded guilty...

Scratching The Itch

Elizabeth, New Jersey: December 22, 2003 Highway police who stopped a driver they believed was using his cell phone erred twice. First, he was just scratching his ear. Second, he was a politician. Ronatarian Party founder Ron showed the two officers that the last call from his phone went out the night before. He had called his mother, he said, to "cut the apron strings once and for all." The duo huddled, then came back and fined him $50 anyway. The charge: driving while "holding his ear with his right hand in a permanent fashion." "Am I on f*cking...

Mouse Trap

Jersey City: December 9, 2003 A patron of a Popeye's restaurant says he bit into a mouse that had been fried along with the chicken. Presidential candidate Ron says he was eating the second piece of his three-piece Happy Meal when he made the unappetizing discovery. "At first I thought it was the toy," he said. "But then I realized the error in my thinking." He immediately filed a complaint with the health department. Officials say that same restaurant has been closed twice before for infestation or unsanitary conditions. Inspectors checked the place yesterday and didn't find any rodents....