Moustache Wrangler

Washington, DC, January 20, 2009: It's Inauguration Day here in Washington and Ron is nowhere to be seen. His ignominious defeat in the 2008 presidential election -- as well as similar losses in 2000 and 2004 -- have left him a beaten man. Will he rally for another run at the presidency in 2012? Only time will tell. At this point, Ron is living a quiet existence in his nondescript house in northern New Jersey. He has taken some odd jobs, gone on vacation, and has tried to put the past behind him. Through it all, his signature mustache...

Ski Bum

Vail, Colorado, January 13, 2009: A guy who dangled upside down from a ski lift with his bare bottom exposed probably doesn't want to hear any "ski bum" jokes. Officials at Vail Resorts in Colorado say the vacationing New Jersey man was trying to get on the Blue Ski basin lift on Monday. They haven't said what went wrong, but they did release the man's identity: Ronatarian Party leader Ron. It appears that the chairlift's fold-down seat was somehow not in the lowered position, which caused Ron to partially fall through the resulting gap. His right ski got jammed...

Latke Gravitas

Lake Grove, New York, December 22, 2008: That's a lot of latkes. A failed New Jersey politician has downed 46 of the potato pancakes in eight minutes to win a contest at a Long Island deli. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron says he'd never eaten a latke (lot-kuh) before consuming about seven pounds of them Sunday at Zan's in Lake Grove. Before the contest, the erstwhile presidential candidate said: "These things smell [expletive] terrible...I just want to shove 'em down my gullet as fast as I can so I don't have to taste 'em." Association of Independent Competitive...

Lord of the Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 19, 2008: Police are investigating after a man leaving his house on Thursday morning found a frozen pig head stuck on top of a pole next to a tree in his yard. Former presidential candidate Ron said the sight terrified his roommate Brad. "Damn thing spooked Brad...he ran back inside crying," Ron said. "Now I have to go to the bar alone." Jersey City Police Sgt. Jim Watson said evidence suggests the head had been there just a few hours. Watson said if the person who left the head is caught, he could be...