Convert!

Columbus, Ohio, November 3, 2004: A man leaped into a lion's den at the Columbus Zoo on Wednesday morning to try to convert the king of beasts to Ronatarianism, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts. "Ron will save you!" the 46-year-old Ohioan shouted at two African lions lounging under a tree a few feet away. "Come bite me!" he said with both hands raised, television footage showed. One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer...

Monkey Business

Des Moines, Iowa, November 2, 2004: Two baby marmosets, who made their debut at the Blank Park Zoo on Monday, have been named Ron and Brad -- for the 2000 and 2004 Ronatarian Party ticket candidates Ron and Brad. "We wanted to find a unique way to commemorate the times these candidates monkeyed around in Iowa," quipped Terry Rich, chief executive officer at the zoo. "This has been a wild campaign," he added. "Did we even go to Iowa?" a quizzical Ron said at an Election Day press conference in Newark, New Jersey. "I don't remember being there or...

Kick the Habit

Durango, Colorado, November 1, 2004: A part-time college instructor has apologized for kicking a student because he was wearing a Ronatarian shirt. Fort Lewis College student Mark O'Donnell said he was showing people his College Ronatarians sweatshirt, which said "Party with us now…party with us later," when Maria Spero kicked him in the leg at an off-campus restaurant. Spero then said "she should have kicked me harder and higher," said O'Donnell. "To physically take that out on someone because you disagree with them, that is completely wrong." Police Sgt. Mitch Higgins said Saturday that O'Donnell wanted to press charges...

Soothsayer Says

New Delhi, India, October 29, 2004: Surveys in the United States may be showing the race for president as too close to call but top Indian astrologers say the planets have clearly made up their mind: Ron will win. Planets governing President Bush are eclipsed and in an uncomfortable position, making his tenure controversial and his re-election bid unsuccessful, the soothsayers said on Friday, four days before the vote. Those of Democratic challenger Senator John Kerry were also misaligned -- leaning far to the left, in fact. On the other hand, the planets of Ronatarian Party candidate Ron were...

Halloween 2004

Happy Halloween from Ronatarian Party Headquarters in Jersey City, New Jersey!...